Out with the ladies one night...Was a good stress reliever!

So I made It

So I made it through October 9th, 2009, the day our angel was supposed to be born. It was a yucky day for me :) but I did it!

I just found out that another of my younger friends is pregnant...I'm not doing so well with that. I'm feeling pretty shitty to be honest.

Not the best day I have had....

Today I learned that the close relative that is pregnant is also engaged...I'm not handling it all that well. I feel like everyone is steam training ahead of me and I'm a sitting duck! I have been with My Love for almost 4 years and we aren't even engaged yet! She has been with her man for maybe 6 months or something! Why?!?!? Am I not good enough? Why wont My Love commit to me? Why? I did what he asked, I'm going to school. I admit I have been a bit crazy and hormonal since the miscarriage and that I'm taking every pregnancy I learn about like a ton of bricks falling on me...maybe I'm pushing him away?? I'm so confused and tired...I'm a mess!

My Dream...Timeline

Last night I had a dream about giving birth. I was in the hospital, My Love was there. It was so real, from the fear of the epidural needle to feeling of sheer joy when we held our baby in our arms. The baby was a little girl and she was perfect. In the dream I paced the halls and cried during labour, called the family when she arrived, wanted an epidural really bad then tried to fight the needle away from the nurse...which is kinda funny looking back on that part. Why are my dreams doing this to me? I'm an absolute mess today, the tears are none stopping.

1:17pm
I feel like if i had a timeline, something to look forward to I would feel calmer. I finish school July 23rd, 2009 and I feel like if i could get a commitment out of peter to help set up dates i wouldn't feel so thrown in the wind. ex: married August 2010, try for baby September 2010...or something like that. I don't know why I feel like this but I do. I need something to go forward for, something to look forward to.

... sigh ...

9:13pm
Tonight I have our friends over who one couple have a 7 month old and one couple have a 2 or 3 week old. The ladies are talking about labor and birth and babies and i have nothing to contribute. I feel left out and upset as they are planning "play dates" and stuff that peter and I are not included in as we don't have any children.

11:05pm
Why does it hurt so badly? I feel like my walls that i have so carefully built are slowly crumbling...but no one is on the other side. This evening when everyone was outside I was inside with one of the babies and My Love saw I was on the verge of tears and he asked if i was ok and i sorta shook my head and he said "You need to get past this" and all I could think was HOW? Please if someone has a magic pill give it to me! Its obvious he has gotten over it and moved on so why can't I?

3 weeks and counting!

...I have officially been in school for three weeks as of tomorrow! I started with 326 days of school to look forward to ...21 days down.... now i only have 305 more days to go till i graduate! I hope they go by as fast as these last three weeks have!

There for me

I'm sure you have heard people say "just when i need [person] most they aren't there." Well for some reason today i was remembering the day i found out i was pregnant. When i went to see my parent i fell into my dads arms and sobbed, he just held me and comforted me. When i lost my baby my dad was there standing in the door again to take me in his arms as again i sobbed. This time not in fear or anxiety but in heart wrenching pain, hurt and anger. He was there being my dad and loving me no matter what life threw my way.

Hmmmmm

I found this on http://mommywannabeclub.ning.com/profiles/blogs/things-not-to-say-after-a .... It is soooo true!!**

"I got many of these from the awesome ladies on the ivillage miscarriage board. These are all comments that have actually been said to the women on the board.
These are things NOT to say to a woman who has just had a miscarriage:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. It will all turn out just fine in the end.
3. Dwelling on it isn't going to make you feel better.
4. You'll get over it.
5. You have to move on.
6. Sometimes dreams just don't come true.
7. At least you didn't have to hear the heartbeat or feel it moving.
8. It's not like you lost a real child.
9. This is God's way of telling you that you're not ready.
10. At least you have one healthy child.
11. You are still young.
12. Maybe things just weren't meant to be.
13. You guys couldn't really afford a baby right now anyway.
14. At least you won't have to pay daycare costs again.
15. So I heard your baby died?
16. Well, you know, you are getting up there
17. Why do you want to bring children into this world anyways?
18. Don't you have enough children?
19. It's nature's way of getting rid of a child who would have been _______ (just fill in the blank with anything like deformed, mentally retarded, handicapped, etc.)"
20. Maybe this is a wake up call that you don't need kids.
21. At least it happened early in pregnancy, it's not as you lost something big here, imagine losing the baby when it is formed
22. Well it happened because you were still newlyweds
23. It just wasn't your time
24. You weren't supposed to get pg yet, you are suppose to when I do (refering to a girl I work with)
25. Something was obviously wrong
26. It's just God's way of thinning out the herd.
27. Trying to make me feel better my OB said "statically speaking you were due..this is your 4th pregnancy, and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage....."
28. It was God's Will.
29. There was something wrong with it
30. At least it wasnt a baby yet. (Ummm...)
31. You had a retarded egg.
32. You will have a whole litter of kids someday!
33. Right now's not a good time anyway/The timing's not right
34. You can have more kids.
35. I know how you feel-it took me 3 months to get pregnant. (Ummm...that's completely different)
36. God writes straight with crooked lines.
37. You don't need a child right now.
38. Grow up and get over it. [WHAT!!!!]
39. At least you won't have to pay for another one so soon...babies are so expensive.
40. You really should lose some weight before you have another baby anyway.
41. That one obviously would have been born with serious problems anyway.
42. We already have too many birthdays that month anyway.
43. Did you really want kids?
44. "Brother's cousin's mother" (fill in the blank with anything) had X amount of miscarriages and still went on to have a healthy baby.

None of these comments will bring our baby back to life, so save your breath, oh yeah, and try thinking before you speak!"

**Some people are just so rude and uncaring! - Amy **

New Baby....Old Emotions

Today I visited our friends in the hospital who just had their daughter on Sept. 10,2009. I was nervous to go and sad to leave. A bit of background on my feelings lately: When i found out she went into labor i was a mess, all i could think of was her in the hospital during labor. I wished it was me. I couldn't stop thinking that in one month I should have been in her place, welcoming my child into the world. I didn't have much fun at a friends birthday because my emotions where saying " You don't want to be here, you over this crazy drunk partying. You want a husband and a family. " I held that perfect little girl today and didn't want to let her go. She was beautiful and when she looked at me I melted! I don't know how many friends I can watch go through this, watching there belly's grow and babies being born. Something I want so badly! Knowing one friend who is due in the new year already, I dread the time when more friends come to be pregnant.

Strange how when I try to write of other things in my life I always end up back at the pain I'm still feeling about the miscarriage.

First Week of School Done!

So I have finished my first week of school and I'm still not sure... haha. No it will be OK, this was just orientation week so I'm expecting next week to be different. I'm excited to see what the "real" school days look like. :) I missed my forth day of school because i had to get a TB test for the course. My body got mad about the needle and so i went home to sleep. Lol I'm a big baby about needles!

I started school....

Today i start school. I was told my classes where 730am-1230pm, but noooo for the first week they are 1pm-5pm! No one told me, emailed me or sent me a letter. Like I'm some sort of mind reader! So i showed up at 730am and now i feel silly :(. I had to bus all the way home. It totally screws up my work week as i work afternoons. Had i known about this sooner we might have been able to working out different hours for work. Uggg its the first day of school and I'm already wishing it was over! This totally sucks! :(

Pain

I ended up in the hospital on Sunday due to pain in my uterus. My aunt thought maybe i was having a tubal pregnancy, i was not. They said my test all came back normal, though they didn't do an ultrasound, i was and am still in a lot of pain. I'm also getting my period...again this month. It totally sucks. I don't know whats wrong me! I feel like I'm going crazy. It must be my hormone's, the depression is getting worse i think. I went for a week or so where i slept 12-14 hours nights and took two naps during the day. I don't know if my love notices...he doesn't seem to be very perceptive lol. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it, or maybe he is waiting for me...i don't know. Sometimes i feel that although i have so many people who love me close to me, although my love is living and sleeping and being right next me that I'm so very very much alone in this pain. This confusion and anger and joy and frustration and excitement. I feel like im walking through like by myself...silly i know.

Baby Dreams

Childhood Dreams

Do you remember dreaming about being "older" as a child?? I remember...

I remember thinking that i was going to be tall and skinny and tanned like the girls at the lake ... haha, well I'm somewhat tanned...short and average sized.

I remember thinking id be a pre-school teacher and have nice cars....welllll...i have a crappy car and it took a major loss for me to go back to school for my teaching licence.

I remember thinking id meet prince charming and get married by 20-21 year old...well i met my prince but I'm not married yet and I'm 23.

I remember thinking id have my first baby at 22-23 years old...well no. I lost my first baby at 22.

Why do childhood dreams often go up in smoke? Why cant life be the fairytale you imagined it would be? I don't want to revise my dreams...though i suppose that's what life is, adapting and changing to what your present circumstances are.

Fun

So today I'm working on my blog page...I have decided to make it more me. It gives me something to do and distracts my mind from wondering. I'm still in a lot of pain today so I'm on the couch trying to stay relaxed.

Going Back in Time

The day was Feb. 18Th and it was very early in the morning when a beautiful little girl named Koral joined the world to joy of proud parents Mike and Amber. On that morning i made a discovery for myself, i was pregnant! I was so scared as i was alone, my love was out of the country, i cried wondering how i was going to do this. But i got over it my love came home and we were happy. The one week to the day later tragedy struck. On Feb. 25Th at 7weeks and 5days @ 600am life started to leave my body. I could do nothing but watch, i know right! Watch as my baby left me. I remember screaming so loud to my love to call my mum. She said to go to the hospital right away. When we got there they started taking blood and examining me. It was painful and intrusive. I cried the whole time. They did internal and external ultrasounds and i saw right there on the monitor that was supposed to show a heartbeat NOTHING. My baby was gone. The pain of that morning still sits with me. Never leaving.

Exerts from my Diary

Feb. 26
"My heart feels so broken. I wish so much i could have my baby back, back inside where he could grow and get strong. I would have made a great mum...I only knew about the baby for a week yet i feel so empty, like a part of me has been untimely taken from my body...Life is cruel and unfair."

Feb.27
"I'm loosing track of time. Finding out i was pregnant, telling family the loosing my little blessing...My days are becoming blurs...My body is fight me on everything i do."

Feb 28
"My emotions are unstable and erratic...i can tell I'm pushing my love to the edge...My mind plays like a horror show, all those memories of the morning it happened...Watching what was my baby come out of me..."

On March 1st i left the house for the first time...It was horrible. I wanted to cry and go back home to my safe zone.

March 20th they put me on antidepressants. I lost myself. I had no emotion. I couldn't cry, smile, laugh or scream. I wanted nothing to do with baby Koral. I eventually went off them as i also would go 2 or 3 days without sleep.

MORE TO COME

WHEN? WHY?

I understand miscarriage is common but why?!?!?! I mean why did god do this! It was my baby, OK so i had never met this little person but it was mine and i wanted him/her. I would have been a great mum! I have the love and time to give to the little person. OK so money might be tight but we would have managed. So why??? That's just it! There is no answer to the why question because there is no reason. They say its just a fluke, someone women have them some don't. Well I'm sorry but if your like me you need 100% answers which then leads you to blame yourself... wrong or not guilt creeps in! How frustrating is that! Then there is the uncertainty of when you are going to get pregnant again...my little angel was not planned soooo. *Sigh* I just don't know...i want my baby but i dont think it will be in the next year...*sigh* life is so confusing!

Why?

So I'm watching a show and really enjoying it...then it ends, nothing weird there...but then the info for next weeks show comes up and its..."i cant drink cuz...I'm pregnant"...WHY WHY WHY!! Can i not get through one show without babies or pregnancy being brought up?!??! So frustrating!

Media

Do you ever feel bombarded by pregnancy/baby media? I do...pregnancy test commercials, "I didn't know i was pregnant" , "A Baby Story", "Life's Birth Story" , celebrity's are having baby left right and center! Its so overwhelming at times! I curl up in bed and just cry at time.

Other pregnant people/ Other Mummies

So i have friends on my facebook/bebo account that are from Hawaii and New Zealand and i have to say looking at there accounts sometimes can be hard. I don't know why but they all seem to have baby's or are pregnant! I feel left out sometimes...silly? I don't think so. I do believe it is a normal feeling after losing a baby to feel left out of the mommy group. I mean for those short weeks/months you were a mommy. I think even if you never got to meet your little bundle of joy your still a mummy, just a different kind. Your the mummy of an angel baby. Still i cry when i see ultrasounds or pictures of baby's...again its normal i know. I feel strange around other mummys and babys, worst of all i feel sick to my tummy at times when im around other pregnant ladies.

So i have decided to start a blog on my experience dealing with losing a baby. I am 23 and lost my first baby when i was 22 at 8 weeks on Feb. 25, 2009. It was one of the most difficult times of my life so far. Im hoping my "Diary" here can help, encourage and show others out there your not alone.

A lovely Poem I Found.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,Or even pause to wonder If the petals fall too soon. But every life that ever forms, Or ever comes to be, Touches the world in some small way For all eternity. The little one we long for Was swiftly here and gone. But the love that was then planted Is a light that still shines on. And though our arms are empty, Our hearts know what to do. Every beating of our hearts Says that we love you.

Author Unknown